Get Your Grill On

Here’s another assortment of pet peeves, this time a collection of things people say that cause me to bristle. Sometimes they’re said by servers, sometimes customers, sometimes owners and sometimes even me. Most of these are service-related and most are just as likely to happen at any restaurant in America. I’ve arranged these in chronological order. From the time you’re greeted to the time you leave.

“I’ll be taking care of you.”
The full version of this one is something like, “Hi , my name is Jen and I’ll be taking care of you tonight. Can I start you off with a drink?” It’s actually not a pet peeve at all (unless it comes out hyper-rehearsed) until Jen lets 20 minutes go by without taking our food order. Or lets my beer glass reach the empty mark and remain so for 20 minutes while she compares nail polish styles with another server. Or forgets to check back to see if I still wanted that side order that never showed up when the entrees were served by a runner instead of her. If that’s taking care of me, I’d hate to see what not taking care of me is like.

“Is this your first visit?”
This often gets squeezed in between “I’ll be taking care of you” and “Can I start you off with a drink?” and it’s also not a peeve as long as they have something informative to offer other than “Welcome back!” if I say no or “Well, you’re in for a treat!” if I say yes. I’m looking for helpful nuggets like whether salads are included or whether you can make substitutions or what the house specialty is.

“We’ve got the best pulled pork on the Island!”
This is an actual quote from a restaurateur on Long Island, responding to my question on which sandwich to order. Sometimes statements like this are the result of an inquiry like mine, and sometimes they flow naturally as a follow-up to the “Is this your first visit?” question. Either way, it’s a peeve on too many fronts to count, but I’ll offer a few. 1) It’s too self serving to be taken seriously even if you honestly believe it’s true. 2) Unless you’ve tried every pulled pork on the Island (and you probably haven’t), you have no basis to believe it’s true. 3) Not only did it not turn out to be the best pulled pork on Long Island, it also turned out to be one of the worst I’ve ever tasted. I know, I know, I was the one who asked, but he could have simply said, “I’d go with the pulled pork, it’s our house specialty!” (Although he should have said, “I’d go with the pulled pork, it doesn’t suck as much as our brisket!”)

“How was everything?”
I’ve often found myself in a sit-down joint where the owner makes the rounds, marching down the aisle, asking customers how everything was. In most cases, it’s apparent that this is merely an exercise, because he’s going so fast, there’s only time for a 1- or 2-syllable response before he asks the next table. “How was everything?” “Great!” “How was everything?” “Awesome!” “How was everything?” “Incredible!”

If you’re going to ask how everything was, be prepared to respond with something meaningful when a customer who’s not going alone with the routine says, “The ribs were minuscule and cold, the pulled pork was the driest I’ve ever had and this brisket I wouldn’t even feed to my dog!”

“We’re going to be opening up several of these.”
If I had a dollar for every time I heard a restaurant owner say this, I’d have enough money to buy a 64-ounce Porterhouse steak at Peter Luger. If I had a dollar for every time I heard a restaurant owner say this before he had his first house in order, I’d have enough money to buy two 64-ounce Porterhouse steaks at Peter Luger.

“I’m going to open up a barbecue restaurant that’ll put all the others to shame.”
This is one that I hear a lot, and from different camps. From competition cooks during an all-nighter at a contest. From smoker-owning friends as we leave the parking lot after yet another disappointing barbecue restaurant meal. And I’ve even said it a few times myself. The reason it’s a pet peeve is that in most cases the claim isn’t based on reality. Sure, the barbecue you cook in your back yard is great. That doesn’t mean you know how to run a restaurant, where you have to worry about missed deliveries and employee theft and turnover and food waste and customer complaints and equipment failures. It’s not easy.