Get Your Grill On

Having the barbecued meats arrive in a pool of juices.

No, I’m not talking about meat juices. I’m talking about leakage from cole slaw, baked beans or collard greens. How about just serving the sides on the side (which is why they’re called “sides”), or using a small bowl to keep everything segregated?

Being charged extra for barbecue sauce.

Charging extra for babyback ribs because your wholesale cost is higher I can understand, but charging extra for extra sauce is a little petty. If you’re worried about people wasting the sauce, invest in some squeeze bottles and customers will only use what they need. And if they’re using that much sauce, maybe the real problem is that your ribs are dry.

Nonexistent or outdated websites.

This is 2007. People want to know when you’re open, where you’re located and what you have, and that includes your specials if you have them. If you can’t keep up on a regular basis, at least put a “last updated” date somewhere so I’ll know not to expect everything listed to be available when I arrive.

Trying to be all things to all people.

Yes, it’s true, those 85 different items on your menu will probably go a long way toward getting a diverse customer base with many repeat and regular visitors. But it’s equally likely that the overwhelming menu will divert attention away from the barbecue and dilute the overall product quality.

Trying to be only BBQ to BBQ people.

The flipside to the “all things to all people” BBQ restaurant is the “BBQ only” joint. Me? I’m all for it. But if you’re going to do that, you have to deliver kick-ass barbecue all of the time, or at least almost-kick-ass barbecue almost all of the time. There’s no excuse for anything less.

Barbecue that’s not barbecued.

BBQ sauce alone does not BBQ make, so if you’re only grilling your ribs and not smoking them, please say so on the menu. In an era where restaurant menus are filled with phrases like “pan seared” and “oven roasted,” you can probably let me know they aren’t smoked but still make it sound somewhat glamorous. I might order them anyway and even like them, but I’d like to know what I’m ordering. Or I may use that knowledge and get the double-cut “fire roasted” pork chop, which I might enjoy more.

Being lied to on the menu.

In a perfect world, menus tell you what the dishes are called, how much the items cost and what’s in them. If you want to call a dish tarragon rum chicken, but the tarragon and rum are the fourth and fifth ingredients behind mushrooms and peanuts (and hopefully, chicken), we’ve got a problem. Especially if I’m allergic to peanuts, hate mushrooms and see no warning in the description. This kind of deception—which is closer to misleading than outright lying—is more apt to happen at a different kind of restaurant, but I have been lied to at barbecue joints. I’ve had the “pork ribs and beef ribs” combo that had about 8 pork ribs and a single beef rib. I’ve had a dish where the promised “house pickles” turned out to be a ¼ pickle. And at joints that feature both “wet ribs” and “dry ribs,” I’ve ordered the dry and received wet. I’ve also ordered a combination of the two, only to receive wet and wet.

“Our award winning barbecue.”

This one always amuses me. I often see that phrase on the menu and ask the server what award was actually won, only to get a glazed over look. Sometimes, even the management has trouble explaining what the award is. It might be along the lines of the award, where the award was “won” by virtue of the restaurant being the magazine’s only BBQ advertiser. Then there are the many barbecue joints that have shelf upon shelf of trophies they’ve received. First, check to make sure they’re not just bowling trophies, then check the dates. If all of the trophies are from 1997 and 1998, there’s a good chance that whoever was the pitmaster back then has moved on. If the date is fairly current and you see the letters “KCBS” (Kansas City Barbeque Society) on the trophy, that’s a pretty good indicator that the ‘cue was really trophy-worthy. KCBS-sanctioned events pit true barbecue chefs against each other, with strict rules, controlled scoring and trained judges. You won’t have to worry about the award being won by virtue of a stuffed ballot box. What you do have to worry about is the strong likelihood that the ‘cue you’re about to be served in the restaurant will bear little resemblance to the ‘cue that won the award.* Still, if a restaurant has won awards at KCBS-sanctioned contests, you know that the restaurant version should at least be pretty good.

*I’ll explain why in a separate post.